why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
