my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
