Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
