Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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