I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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