i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
