i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
