Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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