I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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