Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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