i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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