Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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