I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
