If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
