Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
