The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
