I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
