that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize