It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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