i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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