We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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