a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
