so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
