She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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