My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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