Me too!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize