I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
