Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize