I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
What a dumb baby whore.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
