Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize