shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
