I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
