in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize