I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
