yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
