There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
