You don't have asthma, your pregnant
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
