Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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