Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
