mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize