so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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