Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
