ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
