You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
