My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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