from now on my penis is your penis
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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