Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
