I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
