I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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