My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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