im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
