I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
