We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Text me some of your sweat
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
