I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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