Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When are your genitals available?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
