Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
